Kanye For President

It has occurred to me my new book covers a presidential bid most have forgotten. An excerpt from Squat: A Week Squatting At Kanye's Mansion.

Pastor Ron had wrapped up the service but was being cornered by congregants, so Antoinette and I went wandering.

We came across a man called Mark, in his sixties, who called the church car park home, sleeping in his jalopy there most nights. He was currently relaxing on a bench in the front garden, near where the sign instructed people to please not pick the roses.

‘So are you here for a shower?’ he asked, as I approached. He oversaw the shower program at the church, for people who slept rough. I made a mental note that I needed a shave.

A long, wild beard, which seemed to have exploded in several directions, sprouted from Mark’s face. He was twitching a key in his big hand, the tag reading ‘Cornerstone Christian Church’.

‘That’s why you have the key, so you can open up for the showers?’ I tried as small talk.

‘No, I have the key because Kanye West said I’d be his campaign manager to run for president.’

Mark spoke in a tone that could be taken as droll. So there were two options for what he meant by this: he was an eccentric fellow who held this delusion in his head or he was being sarcastic.

‘Kanye’s listening to me. He’s got a megaphone. So if he’s saying what I’m saying, everyone’s going to know it.’

As he continued, it dawned on me that there was a third option. And, amazingly, this turned out to be the one that was true: Kanye West had enlisted him as his campaign manager.

Four months earlier, Kanye had been seeking a new location for Donda Academy once again. The mother of one of the students lived opposite this church and noticed a realtor’s sign out front – a bunch of empty classrooms were available for lease. So Kanye popped by the church to discuss his plans.

‘Kanye was having a meeting with Pastor Ron at the time that this church normally has its prayer meeting,’ Mark said. ‘So I walked in thinking I was going to a prayer meeting. I said, “Oh, you’re Kanye West. Ron told me you were interested in the place. Boy, am I glad you’re here.” I guess he instantly liked me. I made a good first impression on him. “Can I have a job at your school?” That was my opening line.’

Mark told Kanye that God had conferred upon this church a political calling. Way back in the nineties, it was aligned with the Christian Coalition of America, a Republican-leaning organisation. According to Mark, Pastor Ron had dropped the ball, and this church needed to steer back to its political mission.

‘For about an hour with this little group, which was a round-table discussion, I was able to speak about a third of the time. And Kanye was liking what I was saying. So he asked me for my phone number.’

The two of them must have really gelled for Kanye to act that quickly.

‘And the following Monday, he called. “I want you to be my campaign manager to run for president.” So he invites me down to his factory in Crenshaw, South Los Angeles. And Nick Fuentes is there.’

Nick was the proud despiser of Jews – the political operative, the white nationalist – who had arranged the meeting between Gavin McInnes and Kanye.

‘And they’re plotting to take down Trump. And I’m saying, no, you don’t want to do this, because Reagan said his Eleventh Commandment was “Don’t speak evil of your fellow Republicans.” I said, you’re not going to win the evangelical vote doing it this way.’

I became dizzy taking in the picture: Kanye, one of the world’s most famous celebrities; Mark, the elderly man who slept in his car; and Nick, the young white nationalist (part-Mexican, by the way), plotting to take over America at Yeezy headquarters.

Insisting that Kanye shouldn’t run for president made Mark’s role as campaign manager for his presidential run untenable. But Kanye still dug him, so his role morphed. Kanye now wanted Mark to become his religious instructor.

‘He tells his business manager he is going to pay me to do Bible study.’

Support a mad artist (Safran not Kanye) and grab my book! Squat: A Week Squatting At Kanye’s Mansion.