Yom Kippur 5784

On Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, Jews are required to forgo their egos, and beg forgiveness from fellow Jews they have offended over the year. In this spirit I, John Safran, ask the following Jews to beg for my forgiveness. You have all offended me!

Jeremy Weinstein, Sophie Braham, Troye Sivan, Anita Lester for failing to return the china plate upon which I brought biscuits for her birthday party; also, for her feeling the need to point out that I didn’t bake the biscuits, I bought them, whenever I bring up the incident, as if that mitigates the theft, Arnold Zable, Abe Schwartz, Danny Katz, Harry Sheezel, Raph Mengem, who stole my joke for his Melbourne International Comedy Festival routine (the gist of the joke: I compare Hitler giving Jews a star to wear, to receiving a one-star review), Ruby Kesselschmidt, Jim Kesselschmidt, Lucy Fischberg, Josh Fischberg, Bram Presser, whose dreadlocks have remained unwashed for so long they’ve taken the form of a religious Jew’s furry hat and thus blocked my view at the premier of Golda at the Classic Cinema, Osher Günsberg for facilitating intermarriage on The Bachelor, Richard Lowenstein, Antony Loewenstein, Attorney-General Mark Dreyfus for not liking the photo I posted of me and him captioned ‘Eminem featuring Dr Dreyfus’, Laura Waters, Journalist Elias “I’ll change The Guardian from the inside” Visontay, now on his fourth year of not changing it from the inside, Joseph Feinberg for saying “Sydney women have better legs because of all the hills,” making the priests and nuns at the interfaith luncheon uncomfortable, Raphael Epstein, Jon Faine, Jim Cyngler, Sean Meltzer, Yvette Koperszmidt, Erin Rosenberg, Tammy Erin, Adam Starr, Cayley Segal, Ittay Flescher, Yael Weinberg, Lior, Sophie Brous, Jewish cosplayer Bren Carlill - looks like a Jew, heads up a Jewish organisation, yet isn’t a Jew! At this point you might as well just strap on Bradley Cooper’s prosthetic nose, Bren. George Weinberg for not letting me borrow his police gun for a prop, Avraham Vofski for painting me fat, Zelda Bakery for making me fat, Husky Gawenda, Ben Lee, Ione Skye, Yael Stone, Freya Leach, Massimo Di Vito, Jimmy Barnes (Google it!), Elly-May Barnes because if he is, you are, All spawn of Jimmy Barnes, my father, my sister, Cookbook author Alice Zaslavsky for taking British writer David Baddiel and me to a cafe where boutique coffees were $50 (?!), snookering us into confirming the stereotype that Jews are rich, if we bought the coffee, or the stereotype that Jews are stingy, if we didn’t. The Jewish barista ended up not charging for the coffee, confirming the stereotype Jews give each other a leg up when no-one’s looking, Max Kay, Dan Goldberg, Aaron Gocs, The Jewish News for giving more prominence to a complaint letter about my documentary, than my documentary. The director of that documentary – ‘Who The Bloody Hell Are We?’ screening now on SBS On Demand - Danny Braunstein, for filming me fat, even though the filmmakers knocked forty years off Robert De Niro in The Irishman, so surely there’s tech to trim my waistline, Jewish lobbyist hottie Alex Ryvchin for refusing to have a handsome-off with Palestinian lobbyist hottie Nasser Mashni, Jews Against The Occupation for accusing me of ‘both-siderism’ for mentioning a hot Jew alongside a hot Palestinian, Private school educated Dean Sherr for not offering to wipe up the drink he spilt in my lounge room as if there are maids to do it, Leah Bolton, Sian Darling for saying any good that comes from my Jewish advocacy is wiped out because I drive a German car. (Ooooh, ooooh, it’s just occurred to me, she always lectures me on this while accepting lifts in the German car!), Adrian Elton, Tami Sussman for texting me from synagogue when she grows bored of the sermon, Evan Woolley, Anarchist Jew Andy Fleming, Russian boxing Jew Jeremy Udovich, Iraqi slam poet Jew Jeremy Moses, Iranian guitar Jewess Mastaneh Nazarian, Afro-Brazilian Jew Guido Melo for downgrading our dinner catchup to a drinks catchup to punish me for being two-weeks slow to reply to his ‘Let’s get dinner’ text, Tammy Gold for refusing my request to film a stunt at her son’s bris, Simon Weinstein for refusing my request to film a stunt at his workplace The Jewish Burial Society, The man who sits in my row at synagogue, Marcel Saxson, for mocking my New Balance sneakers as ‘dad shoes’, not realising it’s come full circle and they’re cool again. (However, Marcel, your New Balance are uncool dad shoes, because it’s about the attitude with which you wear them), George Smilovici, Elliot Goblet, Austen Tayshus, Left-wing academic [REDACTED] for her paper ‘Shut Up Jew: Why Having Something To Say Back If A Muslim, Left-Winger or POC Says Something Horrible About The Jews, Is Rooted in White Supremacy and Colonisation. Tuck Your Head Into Your Shell And Take It Like A Good Turtle.’, Tiger Rosenboim for dribbling on my shoes (Yeezys) at his birthday party. Get your shit together Tiger or I’m not coming to your next one when you turn two, Isla Fisher, Zipporah Malka, Michael Lanzner, Goldie Greenwald, Elsa Tuet-Rosenberg, Nevo Zisin, Musician Japanese Wallpaper for the unnecessary fetishisation of Asians when Jewish Grandparents Wallpaper would have worked just as well, Library Officer Sonya Goldberg for her needlessly aggressive email reminding me my books were two years overdue, All members of Yidcore especially Myki Slonim. While we’re at it, Myki, I’m still waiting for the thank you card from your daughter for the Frida Kahlo jigsaw puzzle I gave her for her bat-mitzvah, Yiddish musical outfit The Bashevis Singers especially Evie Gawenda, Evie’s side project Evie and the Gawendas too, Jews Against Fascism, Jews Against Fashion, Jews Against Flatulence, Jews for Jesus, Jews for Weezer, Chaya Kasif, Lani Greener, Manny Waks and his 87 siblings, Deborah Miller Gutman, Diama Hanouka, Daniel Striker, All members of Skif, Betar, Bnei Akivah, Netzer and Habonim, Hatzolah Emergency Services for blaring their siren when I’m having a nap, Oscar Schwartz, Morry Schwartz, Anna Schwartz, Souper Kitchen, Lox in a Box, The Australian Union of Jewish Students for passing resolutions instead of starting a race war with the antisemites on campus, Mai Gutman, Yana Gotmaker, Jasmine Beinart, Chaya Herszberg, Yaffa Bart, Sydney and Melbourne Jewish Museums, Alyx Gorman, Noah Erlich for accusing me of fat shaming her baby because I bought a onesie one size too small, Rogue Rubin, Moyshie Elias, Ghil’ad Zuckermann, Mark Kessel, Justine Sless, Alexa Meyerwitz, Schmuel Raichik, Yosef Rothschild (why do I know the poor Rothschild?), Cast and crew of Yentl, Galit Klas, Michael Klinger, Julien Wiener, Yoav Lester, Rachael Kohn, Gideon Preiss, Nathan Wolski, Henna Meltzer, Jonathan Bloom, Michael Roth, Ronan Koniarski, Kylie Moore-Gilbert, Playwright Lally Katz for taking it the wrong way when I said I loved that her play was so short, Gabrielle Briner, Gabriella Cohen, Rabbis Kaltman, Gutnick and Wolf, Emily Lubitz, Dana Goldstein, Sienna Lowenstein, The three fruit loops who make up the Australian Jewish Association for coming up with a name that throws journalists off the scent that it’s three fruit loops sending them all those press releases, Rachel Baxendale, Abby Pinskier, David Slucki, David Solomon, David Hunt, Clare Wright, Babs Rapeport Bat Tanya, Max Kay, Dan Goldberg, Emile Sherman, Orly Raquel, Eddie Tamir, Pianist Simon Tedeschi for claiming his music is ‘jazz-infused’ when caught out playing the wrong notes at his classical recitals, Edwina Schneller, Josh Burns, Josh Frydenbeg, Liat Kedem, Michael Kahan, Emma Kowal, The Shalom Institute, Michael Shafer for fidgeting with the EQ during his podcast so it sounded like I had a lisp, Daniel Michmacher, Jori Sandler and her husband Not That Adam Sandler, Daniel Berkovitch, Graham Berkovitch, Mark Nussbaum, Susie Burubu and, finally, all of you for compelling me to spend time on this list when I need to finish writing my book. All Ye Repent or Suffer the Wrath of My Golem!