Yom Kippur - The Jewish Day of Atonement
On Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, Jews forgo their egos and beg forgiveness from fellow Jews they have offended. In this spirit I, John Safran, ask the following Jews to beg for my forgiveness. You have all offended me!
Joshua Fischberg, Lucy Fischberg, Ruby Kesselschmidt, Sophie Braham, barking japoodles (Jewish Australian Princess poodles) in Caulfield Park, yoga pant yentas in Carlisle Street cafes, Jeremy Weinstein and his three loud-mouthed children, lobbyist Mark Leibler for failing to chuckle when I described his fans as Beleiblers, Melbourne Jewish Book Week for snubbing me even though I am a Melbourne Jew who has written three books, Anita Lester, Noah Erlich, Lorena Guzman, George Weinberg, Michael Slonim, Deborah Gutman, Diama Hanouka, Sian Darling, beekeepers from Chevra Kosher Honey (Kosher? What, you circumcise the bees?), MasterChef Alice Zaslavsky for her borscht with no potato recipe, the black SUV parked outside Glick’s Bagels with the ‘INFIDEL’ plates, line pusher-inners at Very Good Falafel and Zelda Bakery, Elias Visontay, Dean Sherr, my father, my sister, my niece, Josh Burns MP, David Southwick MP, David Slucki, David Solomon, David Hunt, Clare Wright, alleged artist Avraham Vofski for painting me fat in the Archibald Prize, Antony Lowenstein, Richard Loewenstein, Manny Waks, Jimmy Barnes (google it!), left-wing academics who be like “Ashkenazi Jews are problematic (for being white), Mizrachi Jews are problematic (for appropriating Arab culture), the only non-problematic Jew in the world is this one Jewish Pygmy in the Congo.” Raph Mengem for seeking me out as a father figure because his own father (correctly) finds him infuriating, Alma Street Pickles for sending me a freebie jar with - what they admitted - had already been opened with one pickle eaten, all congregants of East Melbourne Hebrew Congregation, Japanese Wallpaper, Evie Gawenda, Husky Gawenda, ‘Nazi-hunter’ Dvir Abramovich last seen capturing a swastika tea cosy in a Gippsland op-shop, Classic Cinema for the caved-in Choc Top you refused to replace, Six Parallel South, Massimo Di Vito, Babs Rapeport, Moyshie Elias, Lally Katz, Raphael Epstein, Jim Cyngler, Sean Meltzer, Guido Melo, Erin Rosenberg, Tammy Erin, Cayley Segal, Yael Weinberg, Abe Schwarz, David Art Walsh, and, finally, Caulfield Jews whose grandparents escaped Nazi occupied Europe on a rickety boat but won’t drive Northside because it’s too much hassle.
(Much thanks to Gertie and Smith Media for providing the billboard, David Art Wales for the artwork and Alternation.com.au for the tech)
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